The Love Dare Day to Day: This Week's Dare:
Begin praying this week: "Lord, teach me what real love is and make me a loving person."
I pulled up the ipod feature on my iphone, picked the play list I wanted, hit shuffle, and what song should be first? JJ Heller's "What Love Really Means."
I don't know what else to say about "love," but just that I've said the above prayer from The Love Dare Day to Day several times today. I do want to know what it means to be a loving person who is sharing real love with others. I want to love my husband more, my kids more, my neighbors more. I hope that I can show God's love to others through my actions and words. Do I dare pray that they will see that I'm a Christian by my love?
Do you think you have more to learn about what love is and how to love others?
And as I finish this post, what song JUST came on, you ask? Matt Maher's "Hold Us Together." :)
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
T minus 41 1/2 hours...random thoughts
Today's goal...have meals prepared for Trav. So far I have reminded him to take out ground meat for me to brown and I printed coupons and made a grocery list. Maddie has her first piano lesson tonight and then we're going on a date tonight, which will include getting groceries. Oh, the joys of being a 7 year old girl who loves to shop!
I loved my Religion in the Humanities and Ethics classes today. The lecture (by the same teacher) happened to cover the same material, a huge advantage to those of us (6?) who are in both classes this semester. There was great discussion and it wasn't all done by me, as has been the case in some classes. I'm a little worried about what catch-up work I'll have to do when I return as I won't have a ton of time to work on it while gone and I won't have internet at all. Yikes! I'm trying to get a leg up on some of it. I do have two flights each way with a lay-over of two hours on the way out and three hours on the way back, so I'm hoping to make a dent then on the readings/notes.
My prayer right now is for courage for myself and ease of conversation with the individuals we will meet. I'm also praying over a friend who is considering joining us. He would be able to be picked up with someone who is driving from Canada, though weather forecasts aren't good.
JB decided to quit orchestra. This makes me really sad. I would like my kids to be able to play as many instruments as possible, knowing that they don't have to make a career with any of them, but rather that they have passion for the music. He wasn't having passion, which saddened me, but was the reason I finally gave in to letting him quit. I wish it wouldn't have even been an option and we could have gotten him through his valley of boredom. It wasn't that he couldn't play, cause he had ability, but he had no desire.
I need to find my suitcase after the grocery run and start packing. Hoping my sleeping bag and pillow don't take up too much room and I can pack some clothes. I found some good finds at Goodwill and Savers last week including two pair of shoes which were expensive when they were new and still have plenty of life left in them, but because I got them cheap, it's no biggie if they get ruined. Speaking of getting ruined, so far the weather forecast is calling for rain in the area of FL we are going to for Sunday night through Tuesday. UGH!!!
Okay, that's it...on to the tasks at hand!
I loved my Religion in the Humanities and Ethics classes today. The lecture (by the same teacher) happened to cover the same material, a huge advantage to those of us (6?) who are in both classes this semester. There was great discussion and it wasn't all done by me, as has been the case in some classes. I'm a little worried about what catch-up work I'll have to do when I return as I won't have a ton of time to work on it while gone and I won't have internet at all. Yikes! I'm trying to get a leg up on some of it. I do have two flights each way with a lay-over of two hours on the way out and three hours on the way back, so I'm hoping to make a dent then on the readings/notes.
My prayer right now is for courage for myself and ease of conversation with the individuals we will meet. I'm also praying over a friend who is considering joining us. He would be able to be picked up with someone who is driving from Canada, though weather forecasts aren't good.
JB decided to quit orchestra. This makes me really sad. I would like my kids to be able to play as many instruments as possible, knowing that they don't have to make a career with any of them, but rather that they have passion for the music. He wasn't having passion, which saddened me, but was the reason I finally gave in to letting him quit. I wish it wouldn't have even been an option and we could have gotten him through his valley of boredom. It wasn't that he couldn't play, cause he had ability, but he had no desire.
I need to find my suitcase after the grocery run and start packing. Hoping my sleeping bag and pillow don't take up too much room and I can pack some clothes. I found some good finds at Goodwill and Savers last week including two pair of shoes which were expensive when they were new and still have plenty of life left in them, but because I got them cheap, it's no biggie if they get ruined. Speaking of getting ruined, so far the weather forecast is calling for rain in the area of FL we are going to for Sunday night through Tuesday. UGH!!!
Okay, that's it...on to the tasks at hand!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Tuesday
I started classes yesterday for this semester. Wow, I'm gonna be tired on M-W-F. I'm attempting to chalk it up to having eaten left-over turkey twice yesterday, but pretty sure I'm gonna be tired every M-W-F. I work at the elementary school first thing, go to 3 back-to-back classes and then back to the elementary school for the end of the day. I should be able to grab a bite to eat after my last class, but that may be different each day if I have to talk to anyone on campus or run an errand. I will be ever so thankful for my T-Th when I have one late afternoon class.
I'm off to Florida in only 3 days. That sounds like a really short amount of time now that I see it in print. I've been so used to saying "the 14th" or "next Friday." Guess I should find my suitcase and start packing. I'm worried about fitting what I need in one suitcase and having it come in under weight. Since this trip isn't about looking good, I'm less worried about the things that will go on me than I am about having to squeeze my sleeping bag and pillow in there. This could be a challenge.
I wanted to share a devotion that really helped me in making the final decision to go. We used this book for some family devos after watching "Evan Almighty" some time ago. I don't believe we made our way through the whole thing. I came across it recently when unpacking and set it somewhere I'd see it often. On Christmas Eve morning as I lay in bed, stressing about how my kids were going to behave that day after having two days on non-stop fighting with each other and Trav and I, I decided we had to sit down that morning and do a devotion as it has been some time since we have done that.
The book is, "Evan Almighty Devotional," by...um, I don't know who it is by, but it's published by Youth Specialties.
Chapter 13 Decide/Do
"No not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says." James 1:22
"Evan has a skeptical retort to God's invitation to build an ark. 'SHEEP!'
Too bad the guy didn't know what you know. Like these facts:
Doing good is at the top of God's to-do list.
When God Almighty interrupts your normal, it's an opportunity not only to respond with enthusiasm but also to live close to him.
Even though your world abounds with problems, God intends to fill it with life - life in all its fullness.
God's endless mercy makes him worth trusting.
You are God's masterpiece, perfectly crafted to do the good things he mapped out for you long ago.
Noah isn't the only human being who's received a crazy assignment from God, yet the call to servanthood might be the weirdest command of all.
Don't think that you have to start doing good by building an ark, because small is the new big.
God wants you to dream big - but do real deeds.
Doing good isn't an extra you can choose or lose. It's an essential part of who you are to be.
With the stack of reasons why doing good matters so much, you have a head start on Evan. Yet you face the same choice he faces. Are you ready to change the world - even when it seems crazy?
You can probably sort God's expectations of ways you should act for good into a couple of lists. There are deeds you believe make sense - and deeds too weird for the real world. There are people you want to help - and those you'd prefer to avoid. Or places you would be eager to do good - and others you'd rather pass up.
Those objections might should inside your head. Yet God's call to do good isn't quiet, either. You hear it in his unambiguous Bible commands. Or from somewhere deep inside, you sense right and wrong, intuitively discerning what God wants you to do. Not only that, it's tough to ignore all the things that everyone on the planet knows are good, and we are to "be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone" (Romans 12:17).
So you have a choice: To build - or not to build. To start the construction project God has planned for you - or to let evil prevail. There comes a time to say, "Here we go," pop open the crate of tools God has laid on your doorstep, grab a mallet, and commence pounding. In every opportunity to do good, you have a chance to say back to God not "SHEEP!" but "You want to change the world? So do I."
It's your decision.
BE A DOER
All your life you've heard slogans such as "Just Do It" and "Dare to Stay Off Drugs." But God doesn't just toss around slogans. He speaks to our minds, encourages our hearts and wraps us in his care. And God has an even bigger, all-encompassing word that hits us right where we live: "Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it say" (James 1:22).
We can't claim to be doing good if we just hear God's calling and do nothing about it. In fact, when we come to understand all that God has to say about doing good and yet stay unengaged, we're acting downright ridiculous. Here's how the book of James puts it: "Those who listen to the word but do not do what it says are like people who look at their faces in a mirror and, after looking at themselves, go away and immediately forget what they look like" (James 1:22-23).
So back to that choice. That decision you get to make. Now that you know all that you do, are you ready to tell God you want to be his agent for good in the world? Not that you've used those exact words. Or that you've gotten a badge or a shiny superhero unitard. But have you ever said something like what you heard back in the second chapter of this book, a pledge like Jesus made? He said, "Here I am. Ready. Willing. Let's go." Those aren't words to utter once or even once in a while. It's a prayer you can breathe every moment of every day as you look for whatever God has for you to do.
You can say those words now, and say them again and again. When you do, God knows that you're eager to change the world every chance you get - even when it seems crazy.
HERE WE GO
You might agonize that if you dedicate yourself to doing good, God could leave you high and dry. You might end up like Evan, standing on the deck of a mighty ark, declaring that a flood is imminent, not seeing a drop of rain fall from the sky. You might find yourself shouting to heaven, "Is it too much to ask for a little precipitation?"
If those thoughts put you on edge, go back to what God says in his Word. Right after God tells us we're acting absurd if we gaze in a mirror and forget what we look like, he gives us this promise: "But those who look intently into the perfect law that gives freedom and continue in it - not forgetting what they have heard but doing it - they will be blessed in what they do" (James 1:25).
Whatever difficulties you face in doing good, God will equip you to deal with them. (More on that as you read on.) And rest assured that whenever you listen intently to God's commands - and act on them - God will have your back and empower your efforts."
Pretty cool huh? I know there are neigh-sayers to what I'm doing. It sounds a little radical to go live in the woods with a couple of hundred strangers, serve them meals and just be relational with them. I think that is my ark, so I will follow Him. I may or may not be in a similar situation in the future. I pray that I won't stop asking Him to lead me and for me to have the courage to go where He sends me, to provide for our family while I'm gone and when I'm back, to use me as He has gifted me.
So, Friday is only 3 days away. I am nervous for the flight as it will be the first time I've flown since Trav's mom died and I had to leave a youth mission trip 2 1/2 years ago. I'm nervous because my ears are really sensitive to changes (driving through Pennsylvania this summer was not pleasant). I'm nervous because I will be living in the woods with hundreds of people I don't know. I ask God to give me His words to say, His love to share. Will you join my prayers?
I'm off to Florida in only 3 days. That sounds like a really short amount of time now that I see it in print. I've been so used to saying "the 14th" or "next Friday." Guess I should find my suitcase and start packing. I'm worried about fitting what I need in one suitcase and having it come in under weight. Since this trip isn't about looking good, I'm less worried about the things that will go on me than I am about having to squeeze my sleeping bag and pillow in there. This could be a challenge.
I wanted to share a devotion that really helped me in making the final decision to go. We used this book for some family devos after watching "Evan Almighty" some time ago. I don't believe we made our way through the whole thing. I came across it recently when unpacking and set it somewhere I'd see it often. On Christmas Eve morning as I lay in bed, stressing about how my kids were going to behave that day after having two days on non-stop fighting with each other and Trav and I, I decided we had to sit down that morning and do a devotion as it has been some time since we have done that.
The book is, "Evan Almighty Devotional," by...um, I don't know who it is by, but it's published by Youth Specialties.
Chapter 13 Decide/Do
"No not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says." James 1:22
"Evan has a skeptical retort to God's invitation to build an ark. 'SHEEP!'
Too bad the guy didn't know what you know. Like these facts:
Doing good is at the top of God's to-do list.
When God Almighty interrupts your normal, it's an opportunity not only to respond with enthusiasm but also to live close to him.
Even though your world abounds with problems, God intends to fill it with life - life in all its fullness.
God's endless mercy makes him worth trusting.
You are God's masterpiece, perfectly crafted to do the good things he mapped out for you long ago.
Noah isn't the only human being who's received a crazy assignment from God, yet the call to servanthood might be the weirdest command of all.
Don't think that you have to start doing good by building an ark, because small is the new big.
God wants you to dream big - but do real deeds.
Doing good isn't an extra you can choose or lose. It's an essential part of who you are to be.
With the stack of reasons why doing good matters so much, you have a head start on Evan. Yet you face the same choice he faces. Are you ready to change the world - even when it seems crazy?
You can probably sort God's expectations of ways you should act for good into a couple of lists. There are deeds you believe make sense - and deeds too weird for the real world. There are people you want to help - and those you'd prefer to avoid. Or places you would be eager to do good - and others you'd rather pass up.
Those objections might should inside your head. Yet God's call to do good isn't quiet, either. You hear it in his unambiguous Bible commands. Or from somewhere deep inside, you sense right and wrong, intuitively discerning what God wants you to do. Not only that, it's tough to ignore all the things that everyone on the planet knows are good, and we are to "be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone" (Romans 12:17).
So you have a choice: To build - or not to build. To start the construction project God has planned for you - or to let evil prevail. There comes a time to say, "Here we go," pop open the crate of tools God has laid on your doorstep, grab a mallet, and commence pounding. In every opportunity to do good, you have a chance to say back to God not "SHEEP!" but "You want to change the world? So do I."
It's your decision.
BE A DOER
All your life you've heard slogans such as "Just Do It" and "Dare to Stay Off Drugs." But God doesn't just toss around slogans. He speaks to our minds, encourages our hearts and wraps us in his care. And God has an even bigger, all-encompassing word that hits us right where we live: "Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it say" (James 1:22).
We can't claim to be doing good if we just hear God's calling and do nothing about it. In fact, when we come to understand all that God has to say about doing good and yet stay unengaged, we're acting downright ridiculous. Here's how the book of James puts it: "Those who listen to the word but do not do what it says are like people who look at their faces in a mirror and, after looking at themselves, go away and immediately forget what they look like" (James 1:22-23).
So back to that choice. That decision you get to make. Now that you know all that you do, are you ready to tell God you want to be his agent for good in the world? Not that you've used those exact words. Or that you've gotten a badge or a shiny superhero unitard. But have you ever said something like what you heard back in the second chapter of this book, a pledge like Jesus made? He said, "Here I am. Ready. Willing. Let's go." Those aren't words to utter once or even once in a while. It's a prayer you can breathe every moment of every day as you look for whatever God has for you to do.
You can say those words now, and say them again and again. When you do, God knows that you're eager to change the world every chance you get - even when it seems crazy.
HERE WE GO
You might agonize that if you dedicate yourself to doing good, God could leave you high and dry. You might end up like Evan, standing on the deck of a mighty ark, declaring that a flood is imminent, not seeing a drop of rain fall from the sky. You might find yourself shouting to heaven, "Is it too much to ask for a little precipitation?"
If those thoughts put you on edge, go back to what God says in his Word. Right after God tells us we're acting absurd if we gaze in a mirror and forget what we look like, he gives us this promise: "But those who look intently into the perfect law that gives freedom and continue in it - not forgetting what they have heard but doing it - they will be blessed in what they do" (James 1:25).
Whatever difficulties you face in doing good, God will equip you to deal with them. (More on that as you read on.) And rest assured that whenever you listen intently to God's commands - and act on them - God will have your back and empower your efforts."
Pretty cool huh? I know there are neigh-sayers to what I'm doing. It sounds a little radical to go live in the woods with a couple of hundred strangers, serve them meals and just be relational with them. I think that is my ark, so I will follow Him. I may or may not be in a similar situation in the future. I pray that I won't stop asking Him to lead me and for me to have the courage to go where He sends me, to provide for our family while I'm gone and when I'm back, to use me as He has gifted me.
So, Friday is only 3 days away. I am nervous for the flight as it will be the first time I've flown since Trav's mom died and I had to leave a youth mission trip 2 1/2 years ago. I'm nervous because my ears are really sensitive to changes (driving through Pennsylvania this summer was not pleasant). I'm nervous because I will be living in the woods with hundreds of people I don't know. I ask God to give me His words to say, His love to share. Will you join my prayers?
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Noon-ish
Isaiah 1:16-20
NIV
16 Wash and make yourselves clean.
Take your evil deeds out of my sight;
stop doing wrong.
17 Learn to do right; seek justice.
Defend the oppressed.
Take up the cause of the fatherless;
plead the case of the widow.
18 “Come now, let us settle the matter,”
says the LORD.
“Though your sins are like scarlet,
they shall be as white as snow;
though they are red as crimson,
they shall be like wool.
19 If you are willing and obedient,
you will eat the good things of the land;
20 but if you resist and rebel,
you will be devoured by the sword.”
For the mouth of the LORD has spoken.
The Message
16 Go home and wash up. Clean up your act. Sweep your lives clean of your evil doings so I don't have to look at them any longer. Say no to wrong.
17 Learn to do good. Work for justice. Help the down-and-out. Stand up for the homeless. Go to bat for the defenseless. Let's Argue This Out
18 "Come. Sit down. Let's argue this out." This is God's Message: "If your sins are blood-red, they'll be snow-white. If they're red like crimson, they'll be like wool.
19 If you'll willingly obey, you'll feast like kings.
20 But if you're willful and stubborn, you'll die like dogs." That's right. God says so.
NIV
16 Wash and make yourselves clean.
Take your evil deeds out of my sight;
stop doing wrong.
17 Learn to do right; seek justice.
Defend the oppressed.
Take up the cause of the fatherless;
plead the case of the widow.
18 “Come now, let us settle the matter,”
says the LORD.
“Though your sins are like scarlet,
they shall be as white as snow;
though they are red as crimson,
they shall be like wool.
19 If you are willing and obedient,
you will eat the good things of the land;
20 but if you resist and rebel,
you will be devoured by the sword.”
For the mouth of the LORD has spoken.
The Message
16 Go home and wash up. Clean up your act. Sweep your lives clean of your evil doings so I don't have to look at them any longer. Say no to wrong.
17 Learn to do good. Work for justice. Help the down-and-out. Stand up for the homeless. Go to bat for the defenseless. Let's Argue This Out
18 "Come. Sit down. Let's argue this out." This is God's Message: "If your sins are blood-red, they'll be snow-white. If they're red like crimson, they'll be like wool.
19 If you'll willingly obey, you'll feast like kings.
20 But if you're willful and stubborn, you'll die like dogs." That's right. God says so.
Today...
We got snow yesterday and I believe it's still snowing lightly now. We haven't had as much as some areas south of us over the last few weeks, but I am happy this storm finally gave us some.
Our big kids have their last day of school before Christmas break. I helped them assemble treat bags with homemade goodies and homemade magnets for their teachers and gather enough mini candy canes for their classmates. Instead of gluing little beads in our magnets like the ones I found in Family Fun magazine, I printed mini pictures of my kids and random shapes/pictures. I looked at bead ones just now on their website and I think I want to make more.
Izzy has a friend over to play. This is something that has been needed by her and her parents for some times now. It keeps her busy and gets us out of the pattern of, Izzy does something destructive/very naughty, we feel like failures as parents because it's never ending with her...REPEAT!
Trav shoveled at the preschool and is now snow-blowing the driveway. I fixed a rip in a pair of jeans quick as it had gotten bigger than when I bought them. Oops! I have to find my iron still from when we moved a couple of weeks ago. I couldn't even tell you where I kept it at the old house as that's how much I use it. But, I have to sew a quilt today that I'm making my dad for Christmas, so I HAVE to find my iron TODAY!
Oh, and amidst all my frustration, searching, wondering, trying to decide how much is too much, when to say when, when to keep fighting, where are You leading me God (from my post last night, er, this morning since it was midnight), I'm fasting today. I don't do this often enough as a way to listen to God. When I do do it, I feel so connected with Him. I caught a little bit of someone talking last night from YouTube and he mentioned that fasting is mentioned in the Bible but we rarely do it. Whack! That totally slapped me across the face. So that's that. I'm fasting today, hoping I'll open my heart and ears to what God is saying to me.
Our big kids have their last day of school before Christmas break. I helped them assemble treat bags with homemade goodies and homemade magnets for their teachers and gather enough mini candy canes for their classmates. Instead of gluing little beads in our magnets like the ones I found in Family Fun magazine, I printed mini pictures of my kids and random shapes/pictures. I looked at bead ones just now on their website and I think I want to make more.
Izzy has a friend over to play. This is something that has been needed by her and her parents for some times now. It keeps her busy and gets us out of the pattern of, Izzy does something destructive/very naughty, we feel like failures as parents because it's never ending with her...REPEAT!
Trav shoveled at the preschool and is now snow-blowing the driveway. I fixed a rip in a pair of jeans quick as it had gotten bigger than when I bought them. Oops! I have to find my iron still from when we moved a couple of weeks ago. I couldn't even tell you where I kept it at the old house as that's how much I use it. But, I have to sew a quilt today that I'm making my dad for Christmas, so I HAVE to find my iron TODAY!
Oh, and amidst all my frustration, searching, wondering, trying to decide how much is too much, when to say when, when to keep fighting, where are You leading me God (from my post last night, er, this morning since it was midnight), I'm fasting today. I don't do this often enough as a way to listen to God. When I do do it, I feel so connected with Him. I caught a little bit of someone talking last night from YouTube and he mentioned that fasting is mentioned in the Bible but we rarely do it. Whack! That totally slapped me across the face. So that's that. I'm fasting today, hoping I'll open my heart and ears to what God is saying to me.
Letting it all out...
Hypocrisy
Here it comes.
I want it all out. I sometimes want out of Christianity.
Christians are ridiculed for being hypocrites.
I wonder when people talk about church if they are talking about the church they go to or if they are talking about The Church. I struggle when they are talking about their church and not His Church. Are there boundaries? Should there be?
I feel God has a distinct purpose for me. I don’t believe He wants me to be a quiet, go with the flow, dress my best on Sunday mornings Christian. Yes, I do occasionally dress my best on Sunday mornings. But it’s not to fit in, it’s because that is what I want to wear that day. That sometimes is my best, and other times it’s my best ripped jeans, because that’s what I’m comfortable in that day. Am I a hypocrite on the days I dress nice?
I don’t want to live a stale, run of the mill, with the grain of the wood Christian existence. I want to push the limits, but only because I think that’s what Jesus would do. I think He would challenge many believers to go outside of their comfort zone, to reach out to the dirty man, to help the neighbor in need even if he doesn’t live next door and your family has know his family for generations.
Recently I was approached with a service trip that would bring me out of my comfort zone. No opportunity to dress in my Sunday best, much less shower. I considered cutting my hair super short because I wouldn’t have the opportunity to shower for a week or more. My husband disagreed with my talk of cutting my hair. I felt God pulling on my heart, telling me, “Go where I send you,” and to follow Him.
I hurt when I don’t feel that I can go because of finances. With my husband on full disability and myself in school full time and 4 growing kids under our roof, there often is too much month left at the end of our money. Still, God provides, right? I struggle to know if I am following His call or the desire of my heart. But then again, if it is the desires of my heart, doesn’t God grant those too? Or not? When to say when and when to say no and when to say go… I get scared sometimes, like I did last week reading about a previous trip that was taken. I got scared and worried about what God would ask of me. I tried to brush it off. But I thought, can I do what He asks of me with full surrender? We will be blessed financially when it comes time for me to go on this trip so that I could pay for it all on our own. But it will be a little late in the game, so the costs for the flight will be much, much higher. Is this what God is asking me to do? To sacrifice a little more to follow Him? But what about my family? Is He asking them to sacrifice for MY heart’s desire? So that I can be gone a very long time from them to serve others? Is this His calling for me to set an example or am I being selfish to do that to them? I requested funds from two different sources, one a congregation’s mission board, who said they would provide approx. 1/8 of my costs, and the other a different congregation’s foundation, who said, “no” because it doesn’t fall under their mission to further their congregation and programs.
So where does this leave me? Frustrated, broken hearted, feeling abandoned by God…after all, I asked Him to provide financially so I could serve others. And lastly, guilty, for being frustrated, broken hearted and let down. How dare I. How dare I ask local churches to support me financially when it’s for something as out of the box as going to serve homeless people, travelers and others who would probably never set foot in a church. How dare I get upset that they wouldn’t want to help pay for my plane ticket when they will probably NEVER see any benefits from my trip. How dare I think that this trip is about me gaining some experience working with people who are different than mid-westerners. How dare I leave my family for that long. How dare I spend money that could be saved for a rainy day (as I was told by one “friend” to do if we had a little extra rather than go on a trip similar to this). How dare I miss my college classes, as they are so valuable to my education towards receiving my social work degree.
I’m at a loss of what to do. Do I fight to find other funding, though I have no idea where from? Do I suck it up, and use up money our family could use to go? Do I lay down and see it as another opportunity lost? Do I give up my dream of being a different Christian and be the hypocritical one I’m probably seen as anyway, because heck, if I can’t get the “regulars” to see it differently, maybe it isn’t different after all and I’ve been deceived, and fighting a losing battle all along? Do I surrender, AGAIN, to God to provide? At what point do I say enough is enough and lay down, roll over, let the “have not’s” have the last say? Do I pick up my sword and shield and defend what I believe is truth? When should I give up? When do I let them have it the way they want it? What do I do in the mean time? When will they, someone, anyone, who could maybe sway them, come around? Will I always be fighting this fight? Will church ever become about The Church and not our church?
What would Jesus do?
Here it comes.
I want it all out. I sometimes want out of Christianity.
Christians are ridiculed for being hypocrites.
I wonder when people talk about church if they are talking about the church they go to or if they are talking about The Church. I struggle when they are talking about their church and not His Church. Are there boundaries? Should there be?
I feel God has a distinct purpose for me. I don’t believe He wants me to be a quiet, go with the flow, dress my best on Sunday mornings Christian. Yes, I do occasionally dress my best on Sunday mornings. But it’s not to fit in, it’s because that is what I want to wear that day. That sometimes is my best, and other times it’s my best ripped jeans, because that’s what I’m comfortable in that day. Am I a hypocrite on the days I dress nice?
I don’t want to live a stale, run of the mill, with the grain of the wood Christian existence. I want to push the limits, but only because I think that’s what Jesus would do. I think He would challenge many believers to go outside of their comfort zone, to reach out to the dirty man, to help the neighbor in need even if he doesn’t live next door and your family has know his family for generations.
Recently I was approached with a service trip that would bring me out of my comfort zone. No opportunity to dress in my Sunday best, much less shower. I considered cutting my hair super short because I wouldn’t have the opportunity to shower for a week or more. My husband disagreed with my talk of cutting my hair. I felt God pulling on my heart, telling me, “Go where I send you,” and to follow Him.
I hurt when I don’t feel that I can go because of finances. With my husband on full disability and myself in school full time and 4 growing kids under our roof, there often is too much month left at the end of our money. Still, God provides, right? I struggle to know if I am following His call or the desire of my heart. But then again, if it is the desires of my heart, doesn’t God grant those too? Or not? When to say when and when to say no and when to say go… I get scared sometimes, like I did last week reading about a previous trip that was taken. I got scared and worried about what God would ask of me. I tried to brush it off. But I thought, can I do what He asks of me with full surrender? We will be blessed financially when it comes time for me to go on this trip so that I could pay for it all on our own. But it will be a little late in the game, so the costs for the flight will be much, much higher. Is this what God is asking me to do? To sacrifice a little more to follow Him? But what about my family? Is He asking them to sacrifice for MY heart’s desire? So that I can be gone a very long time from them to serve others? Is this His calling for me to set an example or am I being selfish to do that to them? I requested funds from two different sources, one a congregation’s mission board, who said they would provide approx. 1/8 of my costs, and the other a different congregation’s foundation, who said, “no” because it doesn’t fall under their mission to further their congregation and programs.
So where does this leave me? Frustrated, broken hearted, feeling abandoned by God…after all, I asked Him to provide financially so I could serve others. And lastly, guilty, for being frustrated, broken hearted and let down. How dare I. How dare I ask local churches to support me financially when it’s for something as out of the box as going to serve homeless people, travelers and others who would probably never set foot in a church. How dare I get upset that they wouldn’t want to help pay for my plane ticket when they will probably NEVER see any benefits from my trip. How dare I think that this trip is about me gaining some experience working with people who are different than mid-westerners. How dare I leave my family for that long. How dare I spend money that could be saved for a rainy day (as I was told by one “friend” to do if we had a little extra rather than go on a trip similar to this). How dare I miss my college classes, as they are so valuable to my education towards receiving my social work degree.
I’m at a loss of what to do. Do I fight to find other funding, though I have no idea where from? Do I suck it up, and use up money our family could use to go? Do I lay down and see it as another opportunity lost? Do I give up my dream of being a different Christian and be the hypocritical one I’m probably seen as anyway, because heck, if I can’t get the “regulars” to see it differently, maybe it isn’t different after all and I’ve been deceived, and fighting a losing battle all along? Do I surrender, AGAIN, to God to provide? At what point do I say enough is enough and lay down, roll over, let the “have not’s” have the last say? Do I pick up my sword and shield and defend what I believe is truth? When should I give up? When do I let them have it the way they want it? What do I do in the mean time? When will they, someone, anyone, who could maybe sway them, come around? Will I always be fighting this fight? Will church ever become about The Church and not our church?
What would Jesus do?
Friday, September 24, 2010
Heavenly...
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