Letting it all out...

Hypocrisy

Here it comes.
I want it all out. I sometimes want out of Christianity.

Christians are ridiculed for being hypocrites.

I wonder when people talk about church if they are talking about the church they go to or if they are talking about The Church. I struggle when they are talking about their church and not His Church. Are there boundaries? Should there be?

I feel God has a distinct purpose for me. I don’t believe He wants me to be a quiet, go with the flow, dress my best on Sunday mornings Christian. Yes, I do occasionally dress my best on Sunday mornings. But it’s not to fit in, it’s because that is what I want to wear that day. That sometimes is my best, and other times it’s my best ripped jeans, because that’s what I’m comfortable in that day. Am I a hypocrite on the days I dress nice?

I don’t want to live a stale, run of the mill, with the grain of the wood Christian existence. I want to push the limits, but only because I think that’s what Jesus would do. I think He would challenge many believers to go outside of their comfort zone, to reach out to the dirty man, to help the neighbor in need even if he doesn’t live next door and your family has know his family for generations.

Recently I was approached with a service trip that would bring me out of my comfort zone. No opportunity to dress in my Sunday best, much less shower. I considered cutting my hair super short because I wouldn’t have the opportunity to shower for a week or more. My husband disagreed with my talk of cutting my hair. I felt God pulling on my heart, telling me, “Go where I send you,” and to follow Him.

I hurt when I don’t feel that I can go because of finances. With my husband on full disability and myself in school full time and 4 growing kids under our roof, there often is too much month left at the end of our money. Still, God provides, right? I struggle to know if I am following His call or the desire of my heart. But then again, if it is the desires of my heart, doesn’t God grant those too? Or not? When to say when and when to say no and when to say go… I get scared sometimes, like I did last week reading about a previous trip that was taken. I got scared and worried about what God would ask of me. I tried to brush it off. But I thought, can I do what He asks of me with full surrender? We will be blessed financially when it comes time for me to go on this trip so that I could pay for it all on our own. But it will be a little late in the game, so the costs for the flight will be much, much higher. Is this what God is asking me to do? To sacrifice a little more to follow Him? But what about my family? Is He asking them to sacrifice for MY heart’s desire? So that I can be gone a very long time from them to serve others? Is this His calling for me to set an example or am I being selfish to do that to them? I requested funds from two different sources, one a congregation’s mission board, who said they would provide approx. 1/8 of my costs, and the other a different congregation’s foundation, who said, “no” because it doesn’t fall under their mission to further their congregation and programs.

So where does this leave me? Frustrated, broken hearted, feeling abandoned by God…after all, I asked Him to provide financially so I could serve others. And lastly, guilty, for being frustrated, broken hearted and let down. How dare I. How dare I ask local churches to support me financially when it’s for something as out of the box as going to serve homeless people, travelers and others who would probably never set foot in a church. How dare I get upset that they wouldn’t want to help pay for my plane ticket when they will probably NEVER see any benefits from my trip. How dare I think that this trip is about me gaining some experience working with people who are different than mid-westerners. How dare I leave my family for that long. How dare I spend money that could be saved for a rainy day (as I was told by one “friend” to do if we had a little extra rather than go on a trip similar to this). How dare I miss my college classes, as they are so valuable to my education towards receiving my social work degree.

I’m at a loss of what to do. Do I fight to find other funding, though I have no idea where from? Do I suck it up, and use up money our family could use to go? Do I lay down and see it as another opportunity lost? Do I give up my dream of being a different Christian and be the hypocritical one I’m probably seen as anyway, because heck, if I can’t get the “regulars” to see it differently, maybe it isn’t different after all and I’ve been deceived, and fighting a losing battle all along? Do I surrender, AGAIN, to God to provide? At what point do I say enough is enough and lay down, roll over, let the “have not’s” have the last say? Do I pick up my sword and shield and defend what I believe is truth? When should I give up? When do I let them have it the way they want it? What do I do in the mean time? When will they, someone, anyone, who could maybe sway them, come around? Will I always be fighting this fight? Will church ever become about The Church and not our church?

What would Jesus do?